by Jean Varda
Photograph of Two Sisters
We were like glass and he broke us
we were open as water fine as milkweed
and he damaged us.
I can see it in your eyes whose bit of heaven
utterly so gentle was fractured
and the long wounds of a lifetime began,
those early dawn hours he slipped into our beds
all the Disney Lands and Rogers and Hammerstein’s
were slammed against the walls
and a lifetime of recovery was hatched
in the ensuing silence.There is a way the mind can heal itself
of something too awful to remember
it’s like a membrane that grows over the cracks
of fear so wide and deep they consume you
till you no longer exist
and the only thing that identifies you
as a separate being with heart and mind and soul
the only thing that takes away the immense
terror of those nights of memory gone blank
is your mother’s embrace
it was that embrace that established your existence
and stopped the rushing spinning panic.
He left his prints on two sisters
a piece of their childhood was removed
they wore a shroud of thin material
laced with invisible splinters of glass that always hurt
and the calm gentleness of women
gave back their existence.
All I Know
All I know is the taste of morning
in my mouth, all I know is this longing
for water, this sweating skin
this empty stomach, going nowhere.
All I know is this aching chest,
that tried to love him,
these arms that wrapped around him,
these lips that gently kissed him.
All I know is the loneliness
of this motel room
and the long road
of broken dreams.
How to Pray
Maybe there is a prayer
that has no words,
you just urge with your
whole being,
your mind
your body
your spirit
with every cell
every molecule
that the aching and suffering
will stop
and everything
will be alright,
that there will be
no more pain or sadness,
you urge upward
with your hands
with your lips and eyes
with the sweat
of your skin,
you urge with your breath
with your tears
with the emptiness
in your stomach,
there are no angels here
no Jesus
no father God
with flowing white beard
and silver locks-you would never permit it.
There is only your wordless
prayer and the silence that
answers.
It Never Happened
It was all in your mind, he never got in your bed
and touched you in the night.
You imagined his hairy chest his breath on your neck
his smell on your sheet for days.
The gasping for breath the calling for your mother
who didn’t even know because it never happened.
It was all in your head you made it up,
he would never do a thing like that,
a hard working white collar Dad,
who smelled of cigars and gin, who told you
you were selfish and would never be anyone.
Who told you, you were not smart and just wanted to
sleep with boys. No need to go to college and be
someone. Just have sex and babies and work as a waitress.
It never happened you never existed you were only a
dream, a memory sealed off that fought to break out
under the dry scars that never would heal.
And you sought to repeat what he did to you
over and over and over...
until you were so broken that part of you was dead,
and it didn’t matter that it never happened
it wasn’t real, you weren’t real or the insane
memories that broke your spirit, and crippled your sister.
That you grabbed and held onto because they were all you knew.
They molded you, became you, carried you through your life
on a lie. And now you sit in the barren landscape of all
you could have been if he hadn’t touched and made you disappear.
The Rape of Persephone
You cast a sticky net with
your sweetheart phrases
your deep soft voice,
you lured me in and
just as I became yours,
your spider teeth sank
into my raven tattoo
telling me I was beautiful,
wowing my artwork my poetry,
saying you wanted me in
your arms forever.
In that moment I became yours,
I strangled in the net of you
and didn’t care.
You drained me, all of me
my mind, my soul, my heart,
you caste a net of greed
that stopped my breath
as I felt your spider teeth
sting deeply and remembered
the other you, your hairy chest
and angry eyes, insisting I open
to you, squeezing my breath out
of me as you pressed down into me
and broke me your hot breath in my ear,
your fingers groping my secret places,
till I shattered and disappeared,
till I became blind and numb and dead
till all I could see was pieces of me,
scattered and all I could feel was pain.